I Choose To Live, What Do These Words Mean To Me?
Eleven months ago I wrote something in my journal that changed my life and the way I live it. I was 30 years old and in the hospital awaiting my 44th operation, knowing that I would be in the hospital until I had my 45th and 46th surgeries as well. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and the one year anniversary of my mother's death was fast approaching. To put it bluntly, I wanted to die. I even prayed numerous times that God would take me Home during the first proceedure of that hospital stay. Quick and painless, that's the way to go.
But then I started writing. I wrote about the anger I had towards God for everything He had "put me through" during my life. I blamed Him for the abuse I suffered as a child, as well as the rest of the traumas I'd suffered in my lifetime. I blamed him for my mental illnesses that were, at that point in time, so severe. Shoot, I would have even blamed him for the pain in my big toe if I'd stubbed it. I felt like He had treated me like a walking mat or a guinea pig all my life, just to see how much I could take before I'd break. When I'd break, I could rest assured that someone would say He was there for me but very few of my "Christian brothers and sisters" were there for me. Mostly because they didn't know how to deal with someone as battered and broken as me.
As I ended one of these writings, I wrote the following, "I choose to live knowing that Heaven is only a knife or a bottle of pills away." When the doctors and nurses looked at this statement, they nearly flipped because they thought I was thinking about suicide. I was, however, focusing on the first four words. I CHOOSE TO LIVE. The rest of the sentence is simply an acknowledgement that I could end my life if I wanted to but instead of doing that, I choose to live.
The next day I started writing about what it means to choose to live. I cannot find my notebook but I believe I wrote something like this. I choose to live. These words empower me because I acknowledge for the first time that it is my choice to live every moment of every day with all my pain. I acknowledge that God is not forcing me to carry this burden but that He is trying to make the burden lighter for me. These words also empower me because they say I am the one who chooses how I will live my life. No longer am I a robot being controlled by others and by God but I am a human being who is making his own choices. It is my choice whether or not to live a life pleasing to God and to my wife.
Just a quick note, I'm not saying that bad choices do not have consequences, I'm only saying that those bad choices are still options that are on the table for every human being to make. We've all got good choices and bad choices and it's up to us to decide which one is best for ourselves, our families, our church or our community, etc. . .
By acknowledging that that I am the one making the choices in my life, I gave up all that anger towards God and my relationship with Him improved dramatically. My relationship with my wife has continued to improve on almost a daily basis since last Summer and my relationships with other people have grown as well. I am a much happier person than I was last year at this time and I am seeking to share this empowering message with other people who are suffering and blaming either God or others.
To that end, I have created a new Yahoo Group called Empowering People with Disabilities. The address is http://groups.yahoo.com/group/EmpoweringChristiansWithDisabilities/ and everyone is welcome to come join in the discussion. We'll not only be discussing this type of empowerment but also empowerment in the form of disabilty activism in churches. I hope some of you readers will join the new group.
In HIM,
James Hart
But then I started writing. I wrote about the anger I had towards God for everything He had "put me through" during my life. I blamed Him for the abuse I suffered as a child, as well as the rest of the traumas I'd suffered in my lifetime. I blamed him for my mental illnesses that were, at that point in time, so severe. Shoot, I would have even blamed him for the pain in my big toe if I'd stubbed it. I felt like He had treated me like a walking mat or a guinea pig all my life, just to see how much I could take before I'd break. When I'd break, I could rest assured that someone would say He was there for me but very few of my "Christian brothers and sisters" were there for me. Mostly because they didn't know how to deal with someone as battered and broken as me.
As I ended one of these writings, I wrote the following, "I choose to live knowing that Heaven is only a knife or a bottle of pills away." When the doctors and nurses looked at this statement, they nearly flipped because they thought I was thinking about suicide. I was, however, focusing on the first four words. I CHOOSE TO LIVE. The rest of the sentence is simply an acknowledgement that I could end my life if I wanted to but instead of doing that, I choose to live.
The next day I started writing about what it means to choose to live. I cannot find my notebook but I believe I wrote something like this. I choose to live. These words empower me because I acknowledge for the first time that it is my choice to live every moment of every day with all my pain. I acknowledge that God is not forcing me to carry this burden but that He is trying to make the burden lighter for me. These words also empower me because they say I am the one who chooses how I will live my life. No longer am I a robot being controlled by others and by God but I am a human being who is making his own choices. It is my choice whether or not to live a life pleasing to God and to my wife.
Just a quick note, I'm not saying that bad choices do not have consequences, I'm only saying that those bad choices are still options that are on the table for every human being to make. We've all got good choices and bad choices and it's up to us to decide which one is best for ourselves, our families, our church or our community, etc. . .
By acknowledging that that I am the one making the choices in my life, I gave up all that anger towards God and my relationship with Him improved dramatically. My relationship with my wife has continued to improve on almost a daily basis since last Summer and my relationships with other people have grown as well. I am a much happier person than I was last year at this time and I am seeking to share this empowering message with other people who are suffering and blaming either God or others.
To that end, I have created a new Yahoo Group called Empowering People with Disabilities. The address is http://groups.yahoo.com/group/EmpoweringChristiansWithDisabilities/ and everyone is welcome to come join in the discussion. We'll not only be discussing this type of empowerment but also empowerment in the form of disabilty activism in churches. I hope some of you readers will join the new group.
In HIM,
James Hart
posted by Amanda Brady | 5:07 AM
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